For the last three years or so there’s been a thread on the “Professional Stress” board of the Veterinary Information Network titled “Dear Client — letters we wish we could send to our most special clients”.

In this discussion are close to 8000 (and counting) letters written to some of the most amazing clients, patients, colleagues etc. with which your average veterinarian has to deal on an every day basis. “Amazing” is a very wide definition and ranges from the truly outstanding A+ clients to the craziest of the insane mouth breathing animal owners around.
Basically it’s 8000 letters full of ranting, vitriol, tears, joy, hysterics, and the icky-ikky dance.

I haven’t yet added this one to the list, mostly because I haven’t stopped frothing enough to use language that won’t get my contribution booted by the community standards gurus.
And so I present….

Dear Client,

You asked if I thought it was a good idea for you to take Foofy to a chiropractor.
Well, yes. I do think that Foofy might benefit from some chiropractic adjustment. Which veterinary chiropractor did you have in mind? I’ll forward Foofy’s records.

Ah.
I see.
You don’t want to take Foofy to a veterinary chiropractor, you want to take Foofy to the chiropractor that ministers to one of your friends. This chiropractor “does cats and dogs on the side” and, out of the goodness of his heart no doubt, “he doesn’t charge for his work but he does take donations for charity”.

Right.
So let me start with….ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?
You have an older dog with back problems that you can’t afford to have radiographed by a PROPER LICENSED VETERINARIAN and you want to take him to some godforsaken chiroquactor who thinks that just because dogs and cats are vertebrates he’s got the skills and experience to properly diagnose their ailments and safely adjust their spines?
I ask again, ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?
What sort of training do you think a human chiropractor gets in veterinary anatomy? I’ll tell you what sort of training! NO sort of fucking training! NONE! ZIP! NADA! Your average first year veterinary student, hell, your bottom of the barrel first year veterinary student, double hell, my 13 year old NIECE knows more about veterinary anatomy than your average chiropractor! Do you think that just because we’ve all got the same bones (except cats and cows, cats and cows don’t have the same bones as dogs and people do, but, see, *I* knew that!) that means that they all work the same?
NO THEY DON’T ALL WORK THE FUCKING SAME! Sweet sweltering JESUS!!!
If people anatomy and people medicine worked the same as dog and cat medicine I’d have a profitable sideline out the back door of my clinic “taking donations for charity” by treating people who’d pay me with whatever cash they could come up with.
Oh, oh! And “he takes donations for charity”. Right!
Do you really, I mean deep down in your heart of hearts, believe that this dude is taking cash donations for work that he does in his off hours (please God, don’t let it be during his regular business hours, don’t let him be advertising this “service”) and donating it to CHARITY? Really?! Are you really that trusting? Great, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
No, dumbass! The reason this fine specimen of humanity isn’t charging for his services and only “takes donations for charity” because HE KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING IS ILLEGAL AND HE’D LOSE HIS PROFESSIONAL LICENSE IF HE WERE CAUGHT. The best way not to get caught? DON’T CHARGE! TAKE DONATIONS FOR “CHARITY”. No taxes on income means no money trail, no money trail means you’re less likely to have your ass handed to you on a plate by the state department of licensing for practicing veterinary medicine without a license.

So. In summary I would like to state I DON’T THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA, I THINK THAT THIS WONDERFUL GENEROUS JERKOFF IS LIKELY TO PARALYZE YOUR DOG BECAUSE IF I DON’T HAVE THE DATA TO KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THE JERKOFF DOESN’T.

Thank you.
Sincerely,
Dr. GOD I wish I didn’t have to defend my profession from incursions by idiots!

And that, dear readers, is the basic essence of “Dear Client”.
Thank you. I feel much better now.