Got a letter from my medical insurance carrier today. They “need my help”.

See, they couldn’t help but noticing all of the doctor’s visits, medical imaging and other sorts of tests I’ve been having recently, on account of my back. They see the words “back injury” (not to mention disturbing phrases like “$618.00”, “$1,209.00” and “paid in full”) and it just set their little wheels a-turning. “Hmm,” they say to themselves. “This simply must be some sort of work-related injury. Even though he works as a graphic designer and not a bricklayer or high-steel worker. Even though he described the events surrounding the injury in detail and never once mentioned that he was on the job. Even though he was asked on no less than five separate client checkin forms whether this condition occurred as a result of either a work-related mishap or the actions of any third party, and he wrote ‘NO’ every time.”

So now, in order to help clear up any potential misunderstanding, my insurance provider would like me to fill out yet ANOTHER form confirming whether or not my back problems occurred on the job or as the result of an as-yet-unnamed third party, someone they can force to pay for these medical procedures in their place. Essentially, they are giving me one last chance to help them pin this expense on someone else.

What the fuck are they expecting to happen here? “Why yes, now that you mention it—again—I do recall a fellow employee running me over with a forklift while I was sitting in my office some seventy-five miles from our facility, just moments before I felt the first jabbing pains radiate out from my spine. How could I have overlooked that? Boy, is my face red. Thanks for helping to give my memory a little jog there!”

You know, if they really want me to falsify insurance documents in the name of saving them from paying a claim, the least they could do would be to make it worth my while. Slip a fifty into the envelope. Offer to enter customers in a drawing for a brand-new Toyota Prius for every insurance claim they recant. Shit, the subsidiary of a company with 3.1 billion dollars in profits last year should be able to at least offer me a ten-dollar Starbucks card or something.

Gosh, I wish the government would get off the backs of honest companies and just let them do their business without all this onerous oversight and regulation. 🙄